At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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