After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
