insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
