Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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