You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
