While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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