I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
