i just wanna soil my oats bro
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
