i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
