Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
