I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
false alarm. still invincible.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
