I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
