I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
