I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
