No stitches, just platelets and will power
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
