she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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