The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i will never coherently bang her
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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