Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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