You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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