I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
