She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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