while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
