I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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