I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
