Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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