Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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