i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
