I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
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