I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Randomize
