where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
