I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
