Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Randomize
