answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
