And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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