The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
