Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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