Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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