With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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