Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
