your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
