Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
