The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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