I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
