did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
