If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
