wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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