hell yes lets make some ravioli
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
