He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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