I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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