how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
