I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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