She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
